Things dont bring contentment.

It's been a crazy few weeks.

Thanksgiving, moving, pregnancy, Christmas coming, (I $#/+ you not,  I have not purchased the first Christmas gift) the baby coming anytime, trying to put everything, away being excited about new things, new floors, new paint.

I allow myself to get excited about things but it's weird the older that you get you know that while you're excited it's just a thing. No materialistic thing has ever brought  me long term happiness.

Sometimes I miss the naive positivity of my early 20s.

"Once we do this, or once we get that, then we will be happy."

I was also going to be the perfect mom... and Im not. I have a temper and in the right mood a mouth like a sailor. (Ive read people who curse have lower stress levels so, Im not giving it up.)

Nope. Doesn't  work that way.

I have a new baby coming (and I am so thrilled to meet him) but being a mother isn't new to me anymore either. It's odd to go into it already knowing how many (MANY) mistakes I will make. It's good and its bad. Its wisdom I guess, life experience  I guess. Self acceptance perhaps. It just is part of growing up (yes, Im still trying to grow up at 31).

I post things that make me happy or make me laugh, or make me think on social media frequently to say the least.

Its my way of trying to harness the aspects of life that make it beautiful and fun for me. Its almost like a journal.

If I feel sad or down I can go back and look at cheerful moments . It makes me greatful which cultivates happiness in me.

But I guess the point of this babble today is, please dont think I have a perfect life, or that I think I have a perfect life. I have a good life. I am thankful for what we have but old enough  to know that anything you physically possess you cant keep for ever and while fun in moment things never produce long lasting joy.

I like this Bible verse. It seems kind of depressing at first but maybe not. Maybe the idea that everything is passing can be a peaceful idea as well. It is for me.

I like the idea that all that we stress and toil over really just isnt that important. Its here, I can see it (things,thoughts, the physical realm) but its just happening. It will just continue  to happen and I dont have to necessarily do anything about anything in some moments. Sometimes I can just be and watch the world keep doing what it does and take a deep breath and do like Mr. Lennon says "let it be".

Ecclesiates 1: 1-18

Everything Is Meaningless

1 The words of the Teacher, son of David, king in Jerusalem: 

2"Meaningless! Meaningless!" says the Teacher. "Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless." 

3 What does man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun? 

4Generations come and generations go, but the earth remains forever. 

5 The sun rises and the sun sets, and hurries back to where it rises. 

6 The wind blows to the south and turns to the north; round and round it goes, ever returning on its course. 

7 All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full. To the place the streams come from, there they return again. 

8 All things are wearisome, more than one can say. The eye never has enough of seeing, nor the ear its fill of hearing. 

9What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun. 

10 Is there anything of which one can say, "Look! This is something new"? It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time. 

11 There is no remembrance of men of old, and even those who are yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow.

Wisdom Is Meaningless

12 I, the Teacher, was king over Israel in Jerusalem. 

13 I devoted myself to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under heaven. What a heavy burden God has laid on men! 

14 I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind. 

15 What is twisted cannot be straightened; what is lacking cannot be counted. 

16 I thought to myself, "Look, I have grown and increased in wisdom more than anyone who has ruled over Jerusalem before me; I have experienced much of wisdom and knowledge." 

17 Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly,but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind. 

18 For with much wisdom comes much sorrow; the more knowledge, the more grief.

The Good and the Bad and being Thankful for them both.

Its Thanksgiving Eve. Its a trend to talk about all that we are thankful for during this season. I think that is a great idea.

Lately I have been all wound up about the Syrian Refugee situation.

Why am I here in a warm house, writing my thoughts, working through my emotions feeling like that is really what is most important in the world right now when another mother is fighting for her child's life?

It is not fair!

I don't deserve this luxury anymore than she does.

My children are currently wrapped up in blankies with full bellies. They are watching their favorite cartoon for the 58954785 time. The youngest is dozing off and the oldest is coloring me a picture and singing to himself.

My children do not deserve life, safety or happiness any more than her babies.

I feel guilty, I feel spoiled, and mostly I feel ashamed of the things I have the nerve to complain about.

I have been so taken over by thoughts of these people that I do not know and really feeling like there is nothing that I can do.

What really am I going to do about it?

I'm not rich.

I'm not powerful.

I have two little ones of my own. I am 8.5 months pregnant. I'm not joining a mission to save the Syrian people when I am lucky enough to be in a seemingly safe enough situation of my own. I have the same desires that she does (the Syrian mother) to protect my children.

People say "pray for them".

Have you ever been on the other side of needing prayer?

I can remember some of my lowest times personally and it while it was kind of folks to say "Ill pray for you" and honestly the people who take that phrase to heart and really do pray are awesome. However sometimes "Ill pray for you." is just an empty blanket statement that is made when your situation sucks so bad that people don't know what to say to you anymore.

If you say you're going to pray for someone. Pray for them. If you are not going to pray for them. Let them know you see their pain. Sometimes people need to know that your heart truly hurts for theirs.

I have been so sadden by the lack of complete grief for the Syrian people. We compare them to our veterans or homeless like one life is greater than the other?

Life is life is life! We are to be compassionate to ALL LIFE not just the people who were born into our "blessed" situation. (Don't even get me started on the SEVERE misuse of the word blessed).

I see people post things all the time on social media that says something like "I am deleting all people who post negativity." , "Facebook is not a place to spill your dirty laundry.", "Social Media is not the place for politics and religion."

You know how you should use social media?

However your little heart pleases.

Wanna complain about your baby daddy?

Go for it!

Wanna spread the word that the Syrians are coming to ruin our nation and the President is evil?

Have at it!

Maybe social media is our last untainted news source.

Our last place to share free thinking with the masses.

Use it how you want.

Nobody is paying me to run my mouth all day about the things I believe in and I doubt you're getting paid either!

Other media sources are. The news is tainted by hidden agendas.

So say what you think I want to hear it even if, maybe even especially if I disagree with you because we need to talk.

My point is sometimes social media is ugly.

Much more importantly sometimes life is ugly.

It is just a part of this experience that is life.

There is good and there is bad and blocking out all the negativity is extremely tempting and sometimes it feels good but it doesn't make the bad go away. It isn't real. Just because you don't want to see the bad doesn't make it not exist.

This evening I got the urge to just think positive! Think about the good! Block out the bad!

What a temptation.

The more I thought about it the more it sunk in how really just "positive thinking" solves nothing the bad is still there were just ignoring it, which is really just kind of rude.

So if I cant go fix the world what can I do?

I can see you.

That's it sometimes.

I can see their pain. It makes my heart pump harder and tears flow through my eyes.

Maybe in some way we are all in different places learning different lessons for different reasons.

Maybe it is why in the Bible we see over and over again that the less fortunate are actually the ones that are actually blessed.

My children receive gifts for Christmas and they are happy but they will never feel the way that a child overseas feels when they receive a gift from a charity that if they had not they would have had nothing.

My children will never know that kind of appreciation or joy.

We have to dig for it.

That is the American burden. Digging for true gratefulness because we have so much it is a challenge.

I will bet that a child who loses their parents early in life hates to hear people complain about thanksgiving drama. What would they give to see their dads face one more time?

That unfair pain. Pain we wish we could take from someone makes them even more beautiful. Because they know something about love that we have not had to learn yet.

When I had miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage nothing tore me apart more. Now my children are my world. They are rare and they are precious and they are because they just are. All life is rare and precious but I got to wear these special goggles for a time that forced me to see just how precious.

It hurt and it was one of my greatest gifts.

Some pain, some darkness you cannot take away and maybe we were never meant to.

Maybe the mother in Syria smiles a smile that I know nothing about when she puts food in her child's mouth. Maybe warm blankets are like a winning lottery ticket. Maybe she knows a lot more about love than I could ever imagine.

I might never know that deep of love. I might never have to. But I see her and it makes my heart glad that maybe somehow in someway she has more than me.

We need to help each other. We need to do what we can.  We should physically and monetarily give in the ways that we are able. We also have to realize that the darkness is here to stay. We cannot make it all go away. Maybe that darkness we hate so much has just as much purpose as the light so we can see it acknowledge it and know it doesn't make life any less worth living.

Life is short. Do the things you want to do.

Stay loyal to your creativity because it is a gift. 

-Pharrell

Art is personal. It is for everyone. It looks different depending on the artist.

Do things you love. No matter what anyone says.

If you wouldn't do it for free, you don't love it.

I have always loved anything artsy. Drawing, painting, writing.

When my children were born I fell in love with photography. (like most moms)

I thought to myself that it would be so fun to make a little job of it.

The pictures to the left above are my kids, they represent the ability I had to photograph newborns 5 or 6 years ago.

The above Photos on the right are more recent.

By doing what you love. You inspire and awaken the hearts of others.

-minna may

People, especially other moms come up to me all the time and say that they would love to take pictures of other people.

I always encourage them.

Over the past 3+ years of my hobby photography I have encountered so many other photographers, artist, moms.  Everyone has their own style.

I have been told by the "photography snobs" as I call them that unless you have a degree in photography you're not a photographer.

My response is usually that my inbox stays fairly steady with people wanting their pictures taken so you might not call me a photographer but the people asking me to take their picture do!

I ignore people like that.

People who want to put limits on others.

You should ignore them too.

If your camera of choice is a disposable, or Polaroid camera and you love it, and it makes you happy, go for it!

My favorite sessions are always sessions that I do for free. I feel the most freedom to create whatever I want and envision personally. Rather than meeting the expectation of someone else.

Loving something enough to do it for nothing and then sometimes getting to call it your job is just an ideal situation.

The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose is to give it away. -Pablo Picasso

Here is a little secret about me and my camera: I don't know what I'm doing.

Really I don't.

Anything I have figured out has just been trial and error and a little bit of "Fro Knows Photo" (look him up).

I don't speak photographer lingo. I am HORRID with technology.  My systems for editing and storing pictures would be laughable to a pro I'm sure!

But you know, whatever.

I'm not here to be the best, or better than anyone else. I'm here to better myself.

I'm improving and I'm learning everyday. I know that there is so much more to learn and that's what keeps it interesting for me.

If you love something, if its photography or some other Hobby. Go for it. Don't listen to insulting nay sayers.

If you have an inbox filling up with request guess what?

You're good enough!

If you have zero request, guess what?

Keep working at it.

Really do things you love, its good for your soul!

I leave you with the lyrics to a song that comes to mind. I heard it first when I was oh, maybe five.

Sing

Sing a song

Sing out loud

Sing out strong

Sing of good things, not bad

Sing of happy, not sad

Sing

Sing a song

Make it simple

To last your whole life long

Don't worry that it's not good enough

For anyone else to hear

Sing

Sing a song

La la la la la la la la la la la

La la la la la la la

La la la la la la la la la la la

La la la la la la la

Songwriters

PRIMA, LOUIS

Read more: Sesame Street - Sing Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

October is Miscarriage and Stillborn Awareness Month

Maybe I should start with.

I'm sorry for the mean things I said body.

You are not totally broken.

But it felt like it at the time.

I just found this blog entry that I wrote about a year ago while experiencing my 8th miscarriage that I never published.

So this is kind of what if feels like when your body turns on you, or at least for me.

I'm 25 weeks pregnant with my third son today.

Things are going to be okay.

But in the moment they don't feel okay. You are so out of control of your own body. Your world is turned upside down.

It doesn't matter if it happens 1 time or 20 the grief and loss are the same.

Then there are the women who never get pregnant.

They suffer a pain that most will never understand.

So because I think people ought to know, this is a little taste of what a woman is going through when she loses a baby. 

This is a low point but not even the lowest, I've been lower, others have been even lower.

If you know a woman who has lost a child. Hug her. It hurts. 

I did not hide my love, I will not hide my grief 

Sometime last November 

Rip my skin off.

That's what it feels like.

Like the me, the I,  that I know to be me is in some alien body that has turned on me. Its against me, my body and I want to rip myself out of it and move on.

I hate it. I hate the mutant body Im in.

Why? Why is it so messed up?

Sometimes I wonder if this is something like a person feels when they get cancer.

Like how could their very own bodies do this to them?

Why is my very own body my enemy?

Were supposed to be a team here mind, body, and spirit.

I guess everyone has to find their limitations.

I have found mine.

I cant do this anymore.

I cannot play this game.

I actually dread even thinking about having a baby because its just a cruel game my body is playing.

It causes me to question God.

I don't think God has anything to do with it really. Its just chance you know. I could have had down syndrome or some other type of chromosome abnormality.(I'm not saying down syndrome would be better or worse. What I have that causes my babies to die is a chromosome error, like down syndrome.)

This is it though.

I got my two earthly babies and you took 8 unborn souls from me, mutant body.

I hate you.

I'm finally raising the white flag.

You win mutant body. I am no match for your game. I cant handle it one more time.

I give up.

I will work on being at peace with the idea.

I'm going to get in touch with that inner spirit who has never turned on me, its stuck with me.

You body, have failed me.

Ill go within because I cant stand what my outside is any longer.

No more.

Stay at home mom realness: More woman are staying at home because they cant afford to work.

http://www.cnbc.com/2014/04/08/stay-at-home-moms-are-often-young-poor-lacking-education.html

Have I mentioned how much I love being a Mommy? 

I love it! Its definitely my calling, or I was born with the essentials to create life so I did it and found out that mothering is a pretty good deal.

I started out being a Mommy while working full time with a 45 minute commute.

Working and being a Mommy wasn't all that bad. While yes, I had to spend time away from my little darlings I got to spend that time working with other people, bragging about my children frequently, and taking one hour lunch breaks and not having to share my food with anyone. All things that I surely took for granted.

I carted the boys back and forth with me for a few years also their diaper bags, lunches, and a breast pump.

Seasons changed and I lost my job.

My unique job,that I made a decent income at for being young and having no college degree. 

Looking back I don't think it was my brain or amazing work ethic that got me that job and surprise raises.

To be real, being in shape and young and working with mostly males is the easiest degrading way for a woman to earn a decent income. Lots of us do it because we don't really care if you think were cute or not guys but we need to make money and will do so however we can. If that means a smile and laughing at your stupid jokes and pretending we think that you're more intelligent than we are then so be it.

After losing my job I found out getting another wasn't going to be easy and honestly the shock of losing my job and nearly my family left me in a depression so heavy I was not in any mental state to start begging for jobs again or smiling at people I didn't feel like smiling at.

I came to find out over time that replacing that lucky income was not as easy as I had hoped. I found out that childcare for two children is darn near the income that I was capable of making with no further education than my high school diploma. 

I tried college but it was so boring and my adhd diagnosed brain doesn't do boring. Literally it wont do it. I say:

"come on brain we have to get through this ridiculous crap work that we don't care about" 

but he wont do it! (my brain is a he and a jerk because most hes don't do what I tell them to do.) 

So, its been some time, years since I lost my job. I have never found a good replacement career that would allow for the cost of child care, gas, work attire and such.

We are not poor largely because I have handled all the family end of things while my husband has busted his butt and grown in his career.

People say I should be so grateful and I am. 

My husband knows that I am grateful for his work. He also knows I think his work sucks and I wish he didn't have to work so hard. He also knows he could not work the career that he does or create the income that he does and have a family with out my work. We also know that because I was born female and I have no college degree my income capabilities are extremely limited compared to males in our society.

 There is not a day that he can drop off at school or be home when the kids get home, or pack their meals, or do homework, or make it to every game or practice. I don't begrudge him for not being able to do these things. Its a partnership. I do the full time parent gig and he does his work. His earnings buy us food, shelter and clothes my earnings allow him to come home to adorable faces that adore him that are well adjusted and well cared for.

I could go to work for basically no income and run around like a chicken with my head cut off all day because I would literally have zero help. Not one day where I could rely on another soul to help me have a career. Its just not possible. Grandparents work now in days. There is no help. My husband works out of state frequently. We never know where he is going to land.

As a married unit. It only benefits us that I didn't go to college. Otherwise we would be like the majority of our peers and still be paying off $30,000.00+ of student debt.

All that being said don't let me fool you. Having a career is having an identity in our society. I have and still sometimes do struggle with what my purpose is and with my own self worth.

Typically when someone ask you what you do and you say that you stay at home with your kids they say.

 "well that's a job!" or "Its very important work." or "that's even harder than going to an actual job!" 

All these replies are nice but the conversation stops there.

No one digs any further after you say you're a stay at home mom.

They already have the answer to exactly what you do all day. You do what a daycare does without the pay and it involves bodily functions and tantrums and you probably look really ugly because you didn't have the time or the will to get yourself ready.

 So who wants to chat about all that mess?

 Not I.

Staying at home alone all day with children is lovely and isolating.

Going to work all day you miss your kids dearly as well so neither is a perfect answer.

Tell me I'm lucky to be with my kids so much and Ill agree with you, job or no job.

Tell me that I'm blessed, that I should never complain, or have it made and you might earn your formally educated but obviously not self educated self a shiner.

Stay at home moms statistics:

-generally lack extended education

-generally have much higher rates of clinical depression

-stay home by necessity not choice

http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2014/04/08/7-key-findings-about-stay-at-home-moms/.

So before you say

"I cant afford to be a stay at home, lucky you."

 remember that maybe the woman on the receiving end of that statement statistically cant afford to be a working mom.

Love is easy

Falling in love with somebody is pretty easy it actually happens pretty quickly. 

When we think of Jesus as a man rather than a myth he becomes very easy love. Imagine you have a friend who believes that you were worth a lot. Who believed despite your mistakes you are worth dying for. Somebody who believes that you have the right to make mistakes that he understood you were going to make mistakes and he wanted to forgive you even before you made those mistakes. What a deep perfect type of love that would be. 

Our relationship to Jesus is often compared to that of a marriage and when we marry our spouse we sign up to love that person for better or for worse no matter what's coming because we know hard times will be coming, just like Jesus knew he was going to love us for better or worse no matter what was coming because he knew that we were not yet perfect and that he would have to love us through the hard times. I'm willing to bet that you have friends or family that are like that.

 Do you have a brother or sister or spouse or parent, whom you would do anything for?

 Who you would take a bullet for?

 I know I do. Loved ones whom despite any mistakes that they have made it doesn't affect how much you love them? I know that I feel that way about my friends and family and Im lucky to I say I think that my friends and family feel that way about me. 

When we look at Jesus as a man he's easy to love because he did this. He loves his friends and family to the point of dying for them and for the people of the future (thats you and me). Dying for a cause is not really realistic in our current society because we don't often have to die to for our beliefs anymore. Were lucky to be citizens the United States of America because in many other countries there are people still dying for their beliefs today.

 In Jesus's time people didn't have the right to their own beliefs and if you believed differently than everyone else you could be put to death and Jesus taught that was wrong and he fought it so hard to the point that he knew he would die for his purpose and he accepted. He accepted what he knew to be his father's will. His father who he says is also our Father. He calls us brothers and sisters. Jesus never stood looking down on everyone he brought everyone to his level he was so humble that he rejected being made a king because he knew that isn't worth any real glory. Real glory is when we humble ourselves for the needs of others. That's a real King. 

Where I'm going with this post is that Jesus and who he was and what he stood for and what he did made him an easy person to love and I believe that's the way he wanted it.

 I believe that he proved his love in such a way that he would be easy for us to love, not hard. He wanted to prove his love in the largest of ways so that it wouldn't be that hard of a choice for us to love him. He made it easy for us to love him by making it obvious that he loves us.

 My issue is sometimes today we make it hard to love Jesus. We make it about following many rules and doing what many other people say and not just about falling in love with the man who was willing to die for the greatest cause. A man who was willing to lay down his life because he knew that we were sinners and that we would continue to sin and that despite that fact we were worth it anyway. 

If you don't know Jesus he is hard to love. He's a big myth, surrounded by many rules and many regulations and many religions. However, if you get to know Jesus the man he is very very easy to love. That is why God went through all the trouble to send his son in the same form as us, because that was the proof of his great love. He was willing to live a life like we live and die a horrible death. Even willing to feel pain and embarrassment and hardships and even endure a cruel and painful death to prove that this life is worth it. His life was worth it and that our lives are worth it.

 How could anyone not love Jesus?