October is Miscarriage and Stillborn Awareness Month

Maybe I should start with.

I'm sorry for the mean things I said body.

You are not totally broken.

But it felt like it at the time.

I just found this blog entry that I wrote about a year ago while experiencing my 8th miscarriage that I never published.

So this is kind of what if feels like when your body turns on you, or at least for me.

I'm 25 weeks pregnant with my third son today.

Things are going to be okay.

But in the moment they don't feel okay. You are so out of control of your own body. Your world is turned upside down.

It doesn't matter if it happens 1 time or 20 the grief and loss are the same.

Then there are the women who never get pregnant.

They suffer a pain that most will never understand.

So because I think people ought to know, this is a little taste of what a woman is going through when she loses a baby. 

This is a low point but not even the lowest, I've been lower, others have been even lower.

If you know a woman who has lost a child. Hug her. It hurts. 

I did not hide my love, I will not hide my grief 

Sometime last November 

Rip my skin off.

That's what it feels like.

Like the me, the I,  that I know to be me is in some alien body that has turned on me. Its against me, my body and I want to rip myself out of it and move on.

I hate it. I hate the mutant body Im in.

Why? Why is it so messed up?

Sometimes I wonder if this is something like a person feels when they get cancer.

Like how could their very own bodies do this to them?

Why is my very own body my enemy?

Were supposed to be a team here mind, body, and spirit.

I guess everyone has to find their limitations.

I have found mine.

I cant do this anymore.

I cannot play this game.

I actually dread even thinking about having a baby because its just a cruel game my body is playing.

It causes me to question God.

I don't think God has anything to do with it really. Its just chance you know. I could have had down syndrome or some other type of chromosome abnormality.(I'm not saying down syndrome would be better or worse. What I have that causes my babies to die is a chromosome error, like down syndrome.)

This is it though.

I got my two earthly babies and you took 8 unborn souls from me, mutant body.

I hate you.

I'm finally raising the white flag.

You win mutant body. I am no match for your game. I cant handle it one more time.

I give up.

I will work on being at peace with the idea.

I'm going to get in touch with that inner spirit who has never turned on me, its stuck with me.

You body, have failed me.

Ill go within because I cant stand what my outside is any longer.

No more.