1 Samuel 1:27

Viewing the King James Version. Click to switch to 1611 King James Version of 1 Samuel 1:27.

For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him:

This time of year I tend to get pretty emotional.

5 years ago at this time I had so much pain and so much grief.

I was a mess.

I was heartbroken.

I couldnt possibly count the tears.

The nights that I sobbed.

Asking God why?

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Today I am mad at every cell in my body. I am mad because each and every cell that makes me is abnormal. This abnormality is what wont allow my pregnancies to progress. My Dr. called it a lethal abnormality which means each time I pass it I kill my baby. I have a less than 25% chance of ever creating a child of my own that can actually live.
I know I was born this way. I know its genetic. I have 3 sisters who all have babies so why is it just genetic for me? Not that I would ever wish that on them but I just keep thinking ... how does this happen? How did we not know before?
I wanted so badly to hear something was wrong that my Dr could help me with. There is no help for me. This is what I am. I feel like a mutant. I just feel sick and very sad but I cant even cry I just feel nothing I guess.
I'm at work and I don't feel like smiling at one more person. Its not just babies and pregnant mommies that make me sad now. Its every human who I know has a child... I wonder if they are thankful for there cells?
I have cell envy, who would have thought.
I just pray that God can help me understand and accept this. I feel selfish and mean right now but I just don't know how else to feel.
I'm sure others have it worse. That's what everyone keeps telling me , it could be worse. But its not worse this is what it is , and it really sucks and totally breaks my heart.

This is a journal entry I wrote after a visit to my AMAZING doctor who had to break the news to me that I had a translocation in my chromosomes... 2&4 to be exact

So basically, what that means is that when I was a tiny embryo in my mothers womb something was missing from the genetic material that makes me a healthy, thriving, human being.

Usually missing genetic information in our chromosomes causes a miscarriage or many different types of birth defects.

In my case some of my dads genetic information said "uhh ohh, something isn't right here.... I think since chromosome 2 is missing some information Ill break some off of chromosome 4 to balance things out and allow this baby to live"

This is why what I have is called a balanced transloaction.

Something was wrong and the DNA of my parents caught the error and corrected it as best they could to SAVE MY LIFE.

Its really pretty amazing.

In fact, I would call it a miracle.

I could have been a miscarriage but something saw the flaw and said, "No. I'm going to save this soul. I'm going to fix whats wrong."

I believe that "something" was an act of God. As many things are in life. He started saving me while I was in the womb. That's when he starts working on us.

New American Standard Bible (©1995)

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations."

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Just want to take a little time to remind myself of all the reasons I have to be thankful!
1. I'm alive
2. I'm in love with my husband
3. I trust my husband (trust is wayyyyyy important)
4. I have three loving and wonderful supportive sisters
5. I have a mommy and daddy who love me
6. I have a God that forgives me for everything (including forgetting to be thankful at times)
7. I have a God that works Miracles and I believe he is working in my life
8. I have animals that I love ( maybe too much ;) )
9. I have an understanding employer
10. I live in America and I'm FREE
11. I have a nice home
12. I have a car
13. I have food ( that I eat way too much of)
14. I have hope
15. I am loved and I love so many people
16. I have DS... a real life saver!
17. I am me and I want to be thankful for me and my life it is a gift from God!
Sometimes when I hate my situation I feel a little guilty. God created me and I believe that I am part of his plan and that I am the way I am for his use for his plans, not my use or my plans. I pray that every day I continue to be thankful for all the blessings that God has given to me. I pray that I keep my passion for God and gain the ability to help install that love in others around me. I pray for the patients to deal with those around me who do not have the same feelings that I do. That I can be strong and not let that bring me down, that I can be a model of a God fearing woman and that that model might be contagious to those who surround me. That God grants me peace of mind no matter what situation I'm in. That I faith in him and can carry out his will not my own. I ask God to help me make the best choices possible and that even when I forget to ask him for help that he is here with me whispering the right things in my ear. I pray that God will make me proud and never ashamed that he will give me the ability to speak to others when I feel uncomfortable and that he will give me the knowledge and wisdom to be able to do that in a tactful and educated way.
I have a lot to pray for! I just find that my life is so much better when I ask God to help me, when I stop trying to control this world myself!
I was on the phone with my sister yesterday again complaining about my problems. Saying how I would just feel better if I didn’t feel alone. I have been on DS awhile now and I couldn’t find one other person with a translocation, this made me feel so alone. Right after I was done saying I wish that I could just find someone I signed on DS and there was the answer to my prayer! Someone added me that has a translocation and I feel so much better knowing that I'm not alone. Thanks God for the answer to my prayer! Thank you God for still performing miracles!

New International Version (©1984)
Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.

Even then at my worst moments. I knew that he was sustaining me. Even if I didn't get my way God was going to get his way and Gods way is good.

Even though I somewhat knew it at the time. I was still hurting terribly. I still felt angry. But God NEVER left me. He never did. He never will.

Deuteronomy 31:8

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

I am amazed at the gift of prayer. Prayer is the power that God has given us to cope with this world. I pray about everything. I pray about my family, my work, my marriage, my purpose and I pray to God about my infertility.
There are women noted in the Bible that could not have children but finally with prayer they did. That is why I have faith that I too will someday have a child. Maybe not the way I have planned but the way God has planned.
Prayer to me is kind of like a healthy diet. When I'm eating healthy I feel good and I look good because I'm doing whats best for my body. When I stop eating this healthy diet my body starts to gain weight and becomes sluggish. I find myself wondering why I ever stopped eating my healthy diet. I feel so much better when I'm eating healthy but it seems I always slip back into my junk food gluten ways trying to figure out how I let myself lose control.
When I am praying my mind is healthy. God grants me peace of mind when I pray to him. When I pray to God and give my worries and problems to him I feel better and I look better. Just like when I'm eating my healthy diet.
When I put junk food into my body I am essentially slowly killing myself. When I put healthy food into my body I am nourishing and strengthening my body. When I pray to God I am throwing out the junk food of my mind. God fills my mind with nurture and strength. When I try to solve my problems without prayer I am essentially killing my spirit. I end up wondering why I ever stopped praying.
The best part of prayer is I can do it anywhere anytime and it works like a charm. In my office in my car, in Church, or in my bedroom. Prayer is the only on demand treatment I have been given and it's free! Unlike other fertility treatments.
God always listens to my prayers. I don't always get the answer that I am looking for but I guess if I had all the answers I wouldn't be praying in the first place. I would like to share one short story of just one way that prayer has helped me in dealing with infertility.
I was diagnosed with a balanced translocation. I had no idea what this was. I was looking online for weeks and weeks for another person with a translocation that causes miscarriage/infertility and I couldn't find one person for over a month. I felt so alone. Not one person could understand what I was going through.
Finally I broke down and I prayed to God. I cried out to him that I felt alone. The next time that I signed onto the Internet I met two other women with a translocation that cause miscarriage/infertility. Some might say I just got lucky but after searching for over a month on my own finding no one I am certain that God answered my prayer.
I pray today that this book can be an answer to your prayer. I pray you find the peace of mind that you are looking for. I pray that you can let go of your hurt and pain and cry out to God so that he can answer your prayers. I pray for all who live with infertility

New Living Translation (©2007)
Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.

This picture.

Here we have me and my three fertile myrtle sisters.

I'm smiling in this picture.

I'm touching the first born grandchild. My sweet nephew.

My husband stands behind me.

But what is missing is obvious.

I would post a picture like this and people would comment "When are you going to have a baby!?"

They didn't mean harm.

But it hurt.

Constant reminders of what I didn't have.

Monday, January 7, 2008

SOOOOOOOO hello all! guess what I got last Thursday? A positive prego test.... three of them actually. I'm so scared. This could be a healthy baby or it could be yet another miscarriage. I'm really trying not to stress about it... whatever will be will be. Every twinge I run to the bathroom to look for spotting. I'm so scared and so excited I want this baby here on earth so badly but if it doesn't happen the way I want at least I know that my baby will be in the company of Jesus and his or hers 3 brothers and sisters that I have miscarried in the past. I go to the Dr. next Monday, I'm so nervous I know he will do an ultra sound my other pregnancies have shown in the ultra sound that something wasn't right... I'm so scared to find out. I ask all of you for your prayers not just for a baby but for my state of mind no matter what happens. Love you all

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Five weeks now... I know that's not very far but I'm happy to be here and still pregnant! Please remember me and my baby in your prayers and I will keep all of you in mine! Dr's apt Monday may show if this pregnancy is "viable". SOOOOOO NERVOUS. Ive been having this bloated feeling and little pulls and cramps here and there I hope that's normal. I'm such a spaz right now. Love you all!

Friday, January 11, 2008

ughh my Dr.s office called and set my appointment back two weeks! He wants to be able to do an ultrasound so i understand but now the waiting continues! Still having the dull aches... they are so scary to me! No blood though so that's awesome. I just have to take this one day at a time and try to prepare myself for whatever happens! you're all so sweet and supportive! Thank you so much!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

You are all the sweetest friends ever! I was so happy\comforted when I saw all the kind messages to my last post I love you all so much! So I'm six weeks now. Just 1 week and 1 day away from my apt. Still a bit nervous but not too bad. I was\am a little worried because my breast don't hurt that bad ( I know I'm a nut case). I have been a little sick feeling and I could just sleep and sleep right now! I will be sure to let you all know what the ultra sound reads! Keep us in your prayers and I will keep you all in mine! You re all such a gift to me!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

uhhh today is the first day of the rest of my life and I wonder what I will learn today... will I find that I will be a mom or not yet.... 4:30 is my appointment. My mom and husband are meeting me there. I'm so scared. I'm scared of my reaction if it is bad news :(, but hopefully its good news :)

Saturday, January 26, 2008

The Ultrasound showed no fetal pole. I go back next Thursday to see if anything changes. I don't know what to think or how to feel right now. I am hopeful but I have done this three times before so I doubt this time will be any different. Thank you for all of your support

Monday, February 4, 2008

Update:
I went to the Dr. again for another ultrasound this time it showed a fetal pole but no heartbeat so I go back yet again this Thursday. I am hopeful yet scared! The measurements said 3.4.mm & 3.6mm I'm not sure what that means He said I'm about 6 weeks... and I should have seen a heartbeat so he is not too hopeful..... prayers please , thank you all so much

Monday, February 11, 2008

So, first the bad news....... I am currently having my fourth miscarriage. Last Thursday there was no heartbeat and the baby had not grown so my Doc told me he suspected I would miscarry in a day or so. I took Fri and sat off contemplating I would miscarry ( and for my mental health) however here it is Monday I am at work and the miscarriage is starting now. My cramps are minimal in the past it doesn't really hurt that bad until I pass the sac, then as the lining tears away I really start to cramp but I'm hoping those pains start tomorrow b/c I have Tuesdays off.
So yes this news stinks, and yes I'm am again heartbroken, and no I don't feel like I can keep doing this so were going to do something different. 3 Mondays from today I go back to my Doctor so that he can be sure I have passed everything and then we are being referred to a specialist so that we can start IVF. Big scary step. I wasn't sure if I wanted to adopt or go this route but I really want to know what its like to be pregnant and besides I have way better chances of having multiples, which would be awesome.
The only thing that my husband and I have been praying for throughout this pregnancy is that God does his will in our lives and that we can be granted peace of mind no matter what the circumstance, I am very blessed because God has answered that prayer. I am not afraid of not being a mother, I am one now to four babies that are safe with God and sometime in the near future I have Faith that God will give me my earthly baby

Monday, March 17, 2008

I am so sick of trying to be positive. I feel like I am going to go insane. I feel like I am stuck in this life that I am helpless in.

What can I do? Nothing, there is nothing I can do.

It makes me sick literally ill.

I try to think of what I have and all I can see is what I don't have.

I am scared, so scared. I am angry and I want somebody to blame.

I want somebody to fix this, I want it to go away.

I cant deal with it anymore.

I am sick of the lump in my throat.

I am sick of acting like I'm okay.

I feel like I'm going crazy.

Babies babies babies.... its not just in my imagination that is what is going on in the world.

People reproduce that is what we were meant to do, what am I meant to do? Not reproduce, then what?

I don't want to force anymore smiles I want to scream I want to blame.

Its not fair

1 Peter 5:10
And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

Romans 5:3-5
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

James 1:2-4
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

I had suffered. I had.

We all suffer with something at one point or another.

This was my suffering.

This was my pain.

It was real.

But....

8 weeks and counting Tuesday, July 29, 2008

So for the first time ever I had a wonderful ultrasound!!!!!!

My Doc was so shocked!

He said before he showed me the screen, Lindsay I see a sac... a butt, a head and a heartbeat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a first for me. Its always been an empty sac, no fetal pole before!

10 weeks one day :) Friday, August 15, 2008

Hello friends... as far as I know things are still going well. I have a apt on the 21st (next Thur) and my Dr. is going to do another ultrasound to see that things are progressing. I have a little tummy, large breast, and a bad attitude so I think these are all good symptoms ha ha!

I'm starting to get scared because I usually MC right around this time and I'm so scared to get the ultrasound because I'm so excited and it will be so hard if this doesn't work out. Uhhh but worry is like a rocking chair, doesn't get ya anywhere so I just keep hoping :)

11 weeks 4 days ? Friday, August 22, 2008

So went in for my ultrasound Thursday. My little jumping bean was having a blast bouncing in the sac. It was AMAZING I mean from four weeks ago my babe grew arms legs a big belly. He or She was squatting down and throwing his or her little arms in the air as he or she jumped up and down, so unreal! Then my Dr said well when he done jumping Ill take a measurement and he stretched out with his arms and legs like he was getting ready to be measured. It was the sweetest thing I have ever seen and I cant believe its in my belly! Crazy, but so happy :) Love you all! PS Ill post pics soon, I'm pretty sure he or she is smiling and waving in one of them lol!

19 weeks! Feeling kicks! Wednesday, October 15, 2008

So tomorrow I go in for an appointment This time my Dr. will check the heartbeat and next time we will find out if our little b is a he or a she! I'm really excited! He likes to wait until you re 21 weeks because then he can see all four chambers of the heart but I hope he doesn't make me wait until next months apt which he most likely will:( but hey Ive waited this long to get this far whats another month.

Its hard to believe that the first pregnancy I had was 7 years ago! 7 years that I have been waiting to meet my baby and I just pray that things keep going well. I think that its time now!

The other night I was watching TV and had my hands on my belly and I felt a kick on the outside of my belly with my hands. It was so awesome and truly unbelievable! It was like 11:30 at night and I was calling waking everybody up to tell them.

Sooo I was wrong !!!!!!! Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Its not a little girl!!!!!

I was so surprised and excited to see a little boy!

We had the ultrasound today and everything measures perfectly, the heart is beating and all chambers have developed correctly!

A boy, a boy, what am I going to do with a little boy?! We have all girls in our family, just one other little boy so this is such a surprise!

I'm so happy it brings tears to my eyes! I cant believe how much I love him already!

I'm so blessed and I just want to thank all of you for your support through the hard times.

Ladies who have had trouble having a baby keep your head up because your time is coming and its so worth it! I'm still praying for you and I have not forgot how you feel!

Most importantly I want to thank God. I know my baby isn't here yet but its looking like I will get to hold this baby and I don't know why I had to have the miscarriages but maybe it was so I could truly see this boy for the blessing that he is. So thank you God!!!

Aiden Edward Michel

March 2 2009

The moment he was born. I looked for him. I held him. He looked at me. I smelled him. He was here. He was healthy. He was a precious gift. He and his little brother are miracles.

Life is funny.

Our most difficult times if we are willing can be used for good.

Now that my infertility and miscarriages are behind me I am thankful for them.

I am thankful that despite the pain and grief that I know I have a CREATOR in HEAVEN .

A GOD with good plans.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.

I am thankful for my infertility because without tribulation, without trials... How can there be victory?

My children get to be my victory.

They are the Lords victory!

I will praise him forever for all that he has done for me.

That he let me live in my mothers womb. He saved me then.

That he let me experience life and tribulation and victory despite that tribulation!

I am eternally grateful to my God.

He deserves the glory.

He works in mysterious ways. Those ways are good and right.

New Living Translation (©2007)
"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts," says the LORD. "And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.

Happy Birthday to my son.