Things I've learned (and continue to learn) throughout 10 (long) years of marital bliss.

I like to think that my husband and I have a cute little love story. I think all love stories are cute. Love is just so darn cute!

We went to different schools but both to Catholic private schools within a few blocks of each other in a small town, that shared the same high school. We often had school programs that we attended together. Then we both transferred to the same public school in high school. It was nice to have a familiar face in a sea of new faces. Scott (my husband) was immediately my buddy but never more than that until about 7 more years down the road. 

We ran into each other when we were both 20 at a party and it was kinda like, "hey man we keep running into each lets just keep doing this forever.".

Honestly, I think the third week that we were dating we talked about marriage because it  just made sense. We were so relaxed in each others company. We both had "real" jobs. When I say "real" I mean like, full time and side jobs. We were both hard workers. We were tired of partying  24/7 because we had to get up early. It was nice to have a friend that needed to go to bed too! Plus we both grew up seriously Catholic and Catholics, I don't know, they belong with other Catholics (even though we are non-practicing at this point, that's a story for another day).

My husband and I were married when we were just 22 years young. People would tell us that we were much too young to get married but both of our parents were married when they were teenagers so, didn't seem too young to us! However, we were young enough and inexperienced enough that man, we have had A LOT to learn and were still learning daily. 

We have been through and continue to go through a lot, just like the rest of the living world. We spent the first 3 years of our marriage having miscarriage after miscarriage. I was pretty distraught over those years. Suffering depression and panic attacks while my husband didn't really know what to say or do so he immersed himself in work. Some difficulties in marriage no matter how entwined they seem to your spouse are things that you handle alone and in much different ways.  We had seen infertility specialist, and were even in the midst of adoption when I became pregnant with our first (of three!) healthy sons! 

We have struggled with jobs, finances, infidelity, mental illness, ocd, depression, anxiety (yeah were both nuts, we own it), lies, anger, and issues with our extended families (they're all nuts too!) . We are terribly human everyday. Its awful that we have to live with us this way, but we do.

So, over the past few weeks I have been trying to compile a list of things that come to mind that we have had learn and or to deal with over the first 10 years of matrimony. Some of the ways in which we have both been very wrong, the things that pop up that you are not prepared for, and universal truths of monogamy that have been told again and again and everyone gets sick of hearing but they are in fact true.   I could really go on for days but Ill try not to do that.

I have also included both of our thoughts and or banter to this list. His responses in blue mine in pink even though we don't believe in gender color coding, or I don't hes probably never thought about that!

1. you think you know what you're doing

but you don't

I never thought I knew what I was doing

2. you think you know yourself 

but you don't

I knew myself when we got married

3. you think, you think differently than other people think and that you know more than others

but you don't

I never think I know more than other people

4. you will buy so many socks, so many.

and if you have kids will buy even more

I'm due for new socks right now, I buy them for myself a couple sets at least every six months, or more.

Hes real weird about socks, like really weird. 

5. you will fail each other in small ways daily

like leaving your crap everywhere, every day

yeah like if I don't do exactly what she thinks I should be doing daily

whatever

6. you will fail each other in big big ways more often than you like to admit

like sorry I spent $200.00 on prime, I don't know what happened?!

I fail at communication with her, I don't ask permission long enough ahead of time for the things I want or need to do 

You don't have to ask me "permission" more like give notice, like I do!

7. you will find rest in each other, familiarity, and comfort from the unknown.

don't stop cuddling, people need cuddles, you're never too old, snuggle up lots

I agree, cuddle

8. you will fight over the same things over and over and over again. And then again.

It takes him way longer than it should to mow the yard, it takes me way longer than it should to take a bath.

I don't take too long to mow the yard, she does take too long to take a bath

see what I live with?!  At least I admit it. 

9. you will get bitter about some shit

like how long it takes him to mow the lawn. Three hours? Really? Don't rush yourself! Ill be in here with the kids for the next 15 years!

Her clothes, I always put them away for her and she complains when I leave my stuff on the table.

10. you will sometimes forget  what makes them wonderful

our lawn has diagonal lines that all home owners dream about 

She has a wonderful heart she is very caring

11. you will sometimes forget what makes you wonderful

I'm smooth and smell amazing after a two hour bath 

I'm okay at a lot of stuff I'm not good at it

You're good at everything husband, you do everything right. I wish I was as planie and precise as you. Its a gift don't deny that about yourself! 

12. you will take them for granted, you will be taken for granted 

In a million different ways on a million different days

This is true

13. sex is important, have it, unless you really, really, really don't want to 

I hear women complain about dutiful sex all the time and I'm like, hold the phone girl! Have sex for yourself not for him! lol I mean really it should be a gift for everyone involved not just him!? Figure out what you like and ya know, use him. He wont mind! lol

Its healthy you should have sex at least every other day

14. you will not recognize  all that you have

truth part of the human condition 

true

15. sometimes  the grass looks greener

mmhmm

yeah

16. sometimes the grass is greener so take better care of your lawn

We should

yeah

17. sometimes the grass is so scorched by the heat of the sun that you need to turn the dirt, lay new seed, apply straw, water it and water  it, and water it. 

yeah

yeah

18. sometimes the grass wont grow and you have to decide to put down some tarp to control the weeds and cover it with gravel and a lawn gnome, there is not always resolve.

yeah

yeah

19. sometimes you give up on that spot of ground and you must decide if its worth the struggle and if there is enough fertile earth around you  that the piece of land is still valuable  enough that you will stay, or you could decide to move. 

Did I mention marriage is really really really hard work.

Its really hard

20. life will be hard

It sure will hopefully at least some of the time you can help one another.

Getting along is the hard part

21. it will all be worth it. No matter what the outcome  of your marriage  is. It will all be worth it. It is all growing you, and growing your spouse.

I believe this wholeheartedly. We have watched friends and family come together and fall apart. The real tragedy is when people go on to hate each other. That's stupid. You should never hate anyone especially someone you once loved so much. I think we can never truly unlove the people that we have love. The love can change but you dont just stop loving.

yeah

22. you will grow apart

yeah, I don't know, what do you think?

yeah, we go through phases some of the things that brought us together originally have changed after having kids because we don't have as much time to spend together.

23. you will grow together 

I don't know

I think that our children make us closer. We love them so much. When you love the same people it deepens your bond.

24. repeat steps 22 and 23 indefinitely 

25. you will love so much of the same things in life

We enjoy movies and sex

I guess hes right lol but I think we also enjoy other things like. The kids and we like to hunt together. I like him to take walks with me and such he doesn't really like that but he does it and I appreciate it when he does. 

26. you will sometimes detest the things they love and you don't

I detest nothing she likes. I like doing everything with her.

That is a blatant lie.

27. you will forget how much you love your spouse 

true, I forget it when shes not with me

I forget it when he ticks me off.

28. you will learn that love doesn't always mean being together and that love is possible in so many ways

We poop separate and we still love each other 

Another lie you poop in front of me all the time lol

29. if you have babies you will wonder what life might have been like if you didn't

I have never wondered that

Really? I have and I much prefer the baby life.

30. if you don't have babies you will wonder what life might have been like if you did

I would assume this is true for some people

31. you will fight about the animals 

I don't want the animals

A farm boy who doesn't like animals, I don't know how we ever got married?! I will always have animals, sorry not sorry babe. 

32. you will see and be seen in life at its most vulnerable moments, like the moments during birth where your lady bits just ripped apart, or the smoke singed ball sack that has acquired a seeping staph infection

I don't know what you're saying 

??? How do you not???

33. you will be grossed out by how often they fart, eww.

She doesn't fart a lot right now. It goes in spells.

I never fart a lot. Never in comparison to you!  Stinky

34. you will care about different elements of cleanliness in the home (or not care at alllll) and this will at times turn into such a battle of wills.

I agree

Mmmhmm, he wants the laundry and dishes done. I want the house picked up, swept  looking clean. The house can be trashed and if the laundry and sink are clean he is satisfied. Not me. I cant stand clutter mess everywhere. 

35. you will put up with so much bullshit, so much

Scott is a perfectionist and so am I but we care about different things being perfect and our minds work much differently. So whats important to him is not always whats important to me and then we want to kill each other. 

Yes

36. your spouse will have to put up with all your  bullshit, and there is so much of it, so much. 

We are both major pains this is all true

37. you will have so many great memories 

Yes having the babies are good memories 

My best memories are finding out when finally carried a healthy baby hearing a heartbeat for the first time also our fights I know we have too many of them I hate the real fights but I love the bickering and taunting. Its basically how we play, living to annoy one another... or is that just me lol?

38. you will have some horrific memories 

Yes you will

For sure and no one wants to discuss those

39. you will hurt each other and leave deep painful  scars on each others hearts

Makes you stronger

I hate that Ive hurt him and I hate the ways in which he has hurt me but I know that we are both humans, trying and i cannot give or expect perfection.

40. you will be humans

Everyday

For reals

41. you will be you, and they will be them, and as together  as you are, you will always be your own before you are anyone else's

and they wont like you for who you are

I love you for who you are, I just don't like it all the time and the same is true for you about me!

42. you will learn that it is your job to care for yourself 

yes

cant serve from an empty cup

43. when you learn that, and learn how hard it is at times to love and care for yourself, you learn to love and care for others even more so, this life is hard for all of us

I don't know what you're saying

guhhh I'm saying when we see weakness in ourselves and needs in ourselves it makes us recognize and see that in our partner. I care for you because I also need you to care for me.

44. you will be ridiculous together, maybe you dance naked in very un-sexy ways, maybe you sing ridiculous songs at the top of your lungs, maybe you laugh together  when you both realize  your kids are kinda weird.

yeah we like to strip for each other

he is such a sexy stripper dancer lol (it gets weird) 

45. you will warm each others cold feet and butts... its a critical requirement of marriage.

I warm hers

Why does my butt get so cold? Do other butts do that? Thanks babe 

46. you will fight about money, things, buying, spending, eating out, clothes, toys, trips, food.

yes you will fight about everything

Have we mentioned how much we fight?

47. you will I beg beg beg, realize material things are not what this life is about

yeah

This is really important. Things are not bad in and of themselves but when you start caring more about what you want than what you have its an issue.

48. you will forgive them for their faults, and be forgiven for your many faults

mmmmhmm you will forgive them but you will still be mad about it

why are you making me sound mean? I forgive you like all the time!? Grrrr

49. the answers to most of the above issues are as follows :

-Sex

-Food

-Back rubs

You give each other good any of these three things and no one stays angry.

She thinks that she gives awesome back rubs but they suck my back rubs are f-ing awesome.

I do give really awesome back rubs in fact you said before that was one reason you married me but I hate to give them after receiving one I mean I want to go to sleep after a rub down not work again. We need to alternate back rub nights, makes more sense.

50. you will grow. You will fail. You will succeed. You will learn about life and love it will be a crazy ride with so many ups and downs. I don't care if you stay married or not its well worth the ride. Its not a game. No one is winning or losing. We are only living and learning and hopefully, we are growing.

I choose to forever hold my peace.

I don't know why he wont give a closing statement. Probably because he hated this entire exercise but he did it for me so thank you! 

I'm glad we are married we have so much to be happy and thankful for. He does so much for me and his children and I don't thank him or remember that often enough. Its testing at times but I know we have gained so much from the last ten years.