you are the one

enter

they say it's cold
the big ones

they cover
adding layers
protection
walls

they didn't know
they didn't know

feet hit the ground

the cold isn't so cold

adventure
flake on the tongue
run, play, laugh
fall down
get up

doesn't feel so bad

make our own heat
internal fire
we knew truth

cold isn't so cold

longer legs
maybe hips
deeper voices
beards

getting chilly
forgetting

fingers burn
more layers
find a fire
a cover
find something

outside of yourself

protection
remedy

cold is so cold

its hard to breathe
believing
what they thought was true
victims to the cold

unlearn
back to truth
they told you too much
too much protection

they didn't know
you forgot

cold wasn't so cold

back to truth
about your fire
internal
go there

still
burning

cold isn't so cold

recall that
you are the one
who makes heat

cold isn't so cold.

A Brief and Strange description of the Eight Limbs of Yoga.

The eight limbs of yoga are outlined in the book by Deborah Adele The Yamas and NiYamas. They are taken from The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali. There are many Sutras close to 200 but the Yamas and NiYamas are thought to be "the good stuff".

I have heard the Yamas and NiYamas referred to as the "Heart of the Yoga Sutras". As there are other sutras but the Yamas and NiYamas are a "basics" for yogis.

I was so pleasantly surprised reading about the Eight Limbs of yoga. I expected some very harsh rigid rules and I know from much of my experience with religions that hard rules are just hard for me.

I think we are all human and we mess up the rules from time to time.

What I feel when reading about the Yamas and NiYamas is that these "Yoga Rules" come from a place of understanding and love rather than a place of dictatorship or force.

The point of the Yamas and NiYamas is to create deeper love, compassion, and connection within ourselves and others. To create deeper understanding in ourselves and in others. To have a gentle outline to "check ourselves" through life and to eventually created deep love and unity in ourselves and with others.

To me the we can compare ourselves to a machine. A machine needs certain things to run with integrity and to keep its integrity over the years of use and experience. Our mind and bodies need the same kind of up keep as a machine. If we will care for our internal self and external self we will have a machine and or body/mind that is able to run consistently and with integrity because we have properly care for our machine that is our self.

Not only do we care for this machine, say were a car, but we pimp it out (ha!). Like a car, we could add rims, tinted windows, and maybe a sweet bass system.

In our bodies and soul we can "pimp our rides"(am I really typing this?) by using the limbs of yoga to deepen our understanding of life through practice and meditation. If we stay consistent with these practices our machine will be better than just up-kept but we will have pimped out the body and mind so that we have lived this life not just staying the same but transforming our souls using the tools which are the limbs of yoga to grow, develop and learn.

At the end of life like a car that has earned its historical plates we will have learned/earned/ or allowed for Samadhi which is our ultimate goal of love for self and others creating unity as yogis.

Calling all Dreamers, wake up.

“I am a dreamer. I know so little of real life that I just can’t help re-living such moments as these in my dreams, for such moments are something I have very rarely experienced. I am going to dream about you the whole night, the whole week, the whole year.” 

― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, White Nights

Our society really romanticizes the dreamers. 

What is compelling about all this dreaming and not doing?

All these people, minds, lives, ideas, desires: frozen. 

Waiting for permission.

Permission from who?

No one will give you permission.

Let me say that one more time and let it hit you, if you're waiting for the "right time" in life to do anything for someone to give you the go ahead:

 NO ONE WILL GIVE YOU PERMISSION. 

I mean, I'm trying to in this moment, but I cant do it for you, and you cant do it for me.

We must give ourselves permission. 

You have to deem yourself worthy and give yourself permission to live. 

"I know so little of real life"

What?

This is real life and you know what you need to know. Its in you. 

We are "real life" and maybe you don't believe it now, but you have answers inside of you just dying to speak their truth. 

What does that mean?

Are you a "dreamer"?

Do you have thousands of ideas and thoughts that live purely in your head?

Would it be possible to make  any of them reality?

Do you believe that you can do, be, live the things you want to do; your dreams?

If no, why?

Like really why?

Can you write your dreams down, then write down all the reasons that your dreams are not possible and then write down possible solutions to the reasons they are not possible? 

Can you do that? 

Do it right now. 

Please. 

Do you really dream because you have big dreams, or to keep yourself "safe".

Chasing a dream is new. Its unknown. You might fail. Failing sucks. But failing is okay and its how we learn what to try next.

I say dreamers are afraid. 

I'm afraid all the time. 

Its okay to be afraid but feeling "stuck" or helpless or powerless in your own body and life doesn't feel very good. In fact it feels horrid and I whole heartily believe it is why we see depression and anxiety disorders sky rocketing. 

We don't feel safe with ourselves, with our minds, we feel like powerless creatures. 

Good news is, it ain't true. 

How can it be beautiful to live a life in your head that you could possibly bring to fruition but you don't?

You say you're a dreamer and like Lennon said you're not the only one, we're everywhere! 

A dream is in the mind and we are in the body, in flesh, in the world. 

How do we connect the dreams to the flesh so that they can "be". 

They can  "be". 

Is it very "safe" to live your entire life with a head full of dreams that you wish you could live but you're too afraid, too doubtful, too full of excuses.

Sounds dangerous to me, truly violent to yourself, to waste this life being too afraid to do the things you want to do.

If there are say actually legitimate reasons you cannot live or chase a certain idea or dream, are you certain that there is not another perspective in which you can look at the problem or your dream? 

Do you know how to change your paradigm?

I love imagination. I think dreaming is wonderful but I also find a life so bound by limitations that maybe are not what they seem to be really sad.

I think when we dream and use imagination to write or create art, or to pretend its beautiful, but when we get "stuck" dreaming about the life we wish we had... when we pretend our life, rather than live it???  Life becomes like a prison and scary place to be. 

Honestly, have you ever woke up got ready for work like you do everyday of your life. The same routine. Went to the same place, talked to the same people, ate the same food, got the kids dressed, rushed them along, lost your temper, looked in the mirror criticizing yourself, and thought:  What am I doing? Why am I doing this?

It isn't that any of these norms are wrong. I do them everyday myself, but can we change our thoughts about who we are and what we are doing? Even if the world seemingly appears to be staying largely the same way? 

I am learning and believe more deeply every day if we want to see real change then the place to start is our thoughts. It takes time to see our thoughts manifest into reality but we must start somewhere or stay stuck there in our heads with ugly nightmare dreams.

You are more.

More than a job. More than your body. More than your money. More than your responsibilities. More than your bills. More than your titles. More than your mistakes. More than your current situation. More than what someone said to you. More than this moment. 

I promise you are worthy. Just as worthy as anyone else. Don't believe less than that. Its heartbreaking and its not true.  

Dreams don't have to be skydiving, climbing mountains, being the CEO of some huge company, or looking like Gisele Bundchen. (shes really pretty tho)

Some of my most desired dreams are waking up and not fighting with my children, getting better at being a more organised person, having real intimate fun friendships, having a job that I love, perusing my artistic interest.

None of these desires are gonna change the world if I accomplish them, but they will change my world and I live in the same world as you, so perhaps if we all chase our humble little dreams we will make the world a better place.

I say live in reality with your dreams.

Dream big, live big. 

Reality is not always a fun, pretty or an easy place to be but it is truly reality and it is truly the only place we can be.

What can we bring into reality?

Maybe reality itself is a dream and if that is so, what can we bring into this dream of reality? 

I think our possibilities are endless. 

Hold Space like air ... my first ever guided meditation writing :-0

Hold space like air.

Close your eyes.

Find your comfortable seat.

Notice your breath.

Slow down.

Breathe in deeply.

Exhale Fully.

Fill up

Empty out.

Pay attention as you breathe in the air that is in the space all around you.

Pay attention as you exhale this air and your personal energy into the space that is all around you.

Let yourself notice the simplicity of the air as you breathe it in, as you breathe it out.

The air that you are breathing in and breathing out is not partial.

This air is not especially good; this air is not especially bad.

The air is just here, holding space.

This air is always here at your personal disposal.

This air is your constant support, your constant resource, your constant fuel.

This air holds you.

Feel the air that surrounds you now.

Feel how this air holds you entirely.

Feel how the air touches every portion of your external body.

Feel how the air enters your body filling the most sacred, delicate portions of your inside body.

Is the air warm?

Is the air cold?

Either way the air is air and it holds you in your entirety.

The air touches your every inch of exposed skin.

Feel the air and space around each of your toes.

From your little baby toe to your big toe.

Maybe you know you have a bossy toe.

Maybe you know your feet are callused.

Maybe you have painted toe nails.

Maybe the sensitive soles of your feet are dirty, cold, stinky or sweaty.

The air has no care for the condition of your feet it just surrounds them.

Feel the air move up your shins, the hard bones that connect from your ankles to your knee caps.

The air wraps around your lower legs and holds the soft yet strong muscles of your calf.

The air continues to move up your back thighs and around your upper legs to your front thighs.

This air is holding your legs.

From your toes all the way up to your hip joints.

This air is holding all of your muscles, your tendons, your veins, your blood, your bones, your dry skin, the hair that covers your pores skin.

The air is holding your entire lower body and it does not care where your legs or feet have been and the air does not care where your legs or feet are going.

The air just holds this space all around your lower extremities.

This air supports you everywhere you have been and everywhere you will go. Feel the air. Feel it support you.

The air rolls up your pelvis and all around your backside feel the air where the bones of your bottom meet the ground.

The air is holding you around your belly, where you feel your pants snug around your waist, around your most precious life giving organs. Feel the air on the soft flesh of your middle body now. The air moves up into your rib cage, your side body, the muscle that surrounds your spine, your chest, your collar bones, your strong shoulders.

This air holds your middle body here now. This air holds your every insecurity. This air holds the parts of your sacred body that have made you feel uncomfortable. This air has held your belly and your heart through every rapid heartbeat, every anxiety, and all the butter flies. This air has held your middle body when you felt heavy in your heart and in your stomach. This air has held you when you felt weakness. This air held you through every doubt, through every pain, and through each heartbreak. This air was there then. This air is here now, still holding this space to support you. Feel the air. Feel the space that it is holding for you.

Feel the consistency of the air through all of your inconsistencies.

This air is here now; it always has been it always will be.

Take a deep breath into the space that the air has held for you.

Take your next breath deep into your lungs and belly and hold it just an extra moment.

Feel the air appreciate is consistency and support. Appreciate the space that the air allows you.

Feel gratitude for this space.

The air rolls up your entire middle your back, your spine, each vertebra. The air has felt every slump of your shoulders every drop into your spine. The air has felt your heaviness.  The air has stayed every time you felt the weight of the world, the air has stayed through every emotion, and the air has literally had your back all this time.

Feel the air hold you up.

Sit up.

The air is here giving you the space to sit up, giving you the support.

SIT UP.

Breathe in deeply

Breath out fully until you feel the muscles of your middle body pushing the air out, every. last. drop. out.

Now breathe in deep and fill up with the space of the air.

 Fill up.

Acknowledge the air and how it fills you.

The air is now around your throat. The air has touched every word that you have ever spoken and every word that you hold inside.

And the air does not care about all that you have said wrong and the air does not care about all that you have said right. The air just gives you space to breathe it in and find your voice.

The air gives you voice.

Feel the airs support every time you speak.

The air is there for every word.

The air hugs into the space around your ears. The air fills the space around your ear lobes and deep into the canals of your ears, where you have heard every word, and every sound.

The air has been here with you every time you have listened and every time you have not.

The air has been with you when you heard the best news and the air has been with you when you heard the worst news. The air stays when you hear birds sing, when you hear the waves of the ocean crash into the beach, when you hear the crack of thunder during a summer storm. The air stays when you hear your favorite songs and you dance. The air has stayed when you heard a comforting voice and the air has stayed when you were alone and heard no voice but your own. The air was there when you were yelled at. The air was there when you heard a baby cry. The air was there when you heard that you lost someone. The air was there when your heard laughter fill a room. The air stays for all that you hear. Feel the air stay with you. Breathe the air in. It is staying with you.

The air is all around your head and around your eyes. Around the soft precious skin that covers your face, the wrinkles, the laugh lines, the sun spots, the freckles, the scars. The airs holds the space around your lips as they curve up and smile and the air holds the space around your brow when is tenses with anger, fear, or misunderstanding. The air allows the space for sorrow and happiness. Sadness and silliness. Work and play.

The air has been with you since the moment you were born and you felt it brand new on your skin and maybe you cried out because the new world was scary and the air heard you and held space for you to learn and grow. The air did not care that you were the newest person in the room. The air didn't care what you knew or did not know. The air just gave you the space to live. The air stays the same. The air remains neutral. The air continues to give us that same space. In this moment we are new. The moment is new. We have much to learn. The world is still scary because the moment is always new. The air keeps holding space for all things new.

Breathe it deep. Feel the space the air is holding for you now. Smile. Feel gratitude for this space, for this moment, for this new breath, for the space the air offers us to learn. Let the air hold this space and support you. There is nothing to accomplish nothing to achieve. In this brand new moment just breathe into the space that the air has been holding for you.

Hold space like air.

Dying in the dark.

As she lay in her bed.
Taking shallow labored breaths.
The corners of her mouth turned up.
Her eyes sparkled.
Her Face softened.
Her smile warm.

She thought to herself.

I have hurt many people.
I have lied.
I have been selfish.
I have made many miscalculations.
My life has been rampant with my own mistakes and misunderstandings.

I have induced so much pain on undeserving recipients.
I have taken my blessings for granted.

Substantial parts of my existence have been tainted by the darkness.
The darkness of others and the darkness I cultivated within myself.

I am close to the end.
I lay here alone.
I reflect on my being and I am not disappointed.
Not with myself, or with anyone else for that matter.

You see, life gave me just what I needed.

The shadows within myself and even the darkness imposed on me by others.

I have seen and come to know well the distinction of the dark and the light.

It has taken me every breath I have been granted to figure it out. I imagine that is why I was granted breath in the first place.

It takes us all every breath.

We get the time we need.

We are all given the opportunity. We are all invited to the occasion of life.

Our personal experiences and the experiences of others working simultaneously with one another.

All the work coming together to create the whole.

It is neither here nor there what our biographies look like stacked up against one another.

It is not a test, a game, or a competition.

Life is an offering from the powers that be to experience growth.

We cannot fail.

There are no winners.

But we do get to experience choice.

We can bloom or we can remain buds. It makes no difference, all parts of the flower are beautiful and in our own time we will receive the nurture and experiences, the light and the dark that we need to flourish.

For some of us the nudge simply comes from the darkness.

I am so thankful for my dear friend the dark. Darkness is the one who consistently held me, he never let me down, he was always waiting to hold me and point me back to the direction of the light.

Her breath stopped. Her thoughts stopped. Her fears stopped. Her body lay alone but she was not alone in the dark. She never had been.

Spirituality, religion, and yoga.

Forever Learn.

That's the name  of my blog. 

I chose it because I know that learning is a life long endeavor. We would all (especially me) love to believe that at some point we figure this whole life thing out. Unfortunately I don't really think figuring it out is the point.

We beat our heads against a wall and mentally and spiritually exhaust ourselves trying at times.

So then, what is the point? 

I have this recurring thought and I am fairly certain most other humans must have it too.

These like, twilight zone moments where nothing feels real, yet you're self realization in the moment makes everything extremely creepily real and weird.

Why am I on this earth?

Why am I breathing?

How is that actually working?

Why are there trees, and sky, and water, and food, and pets, and children, and war, and poverty, and cruelty, and struggle, and death, and pain, and loss, and happiness?

What in the world am I doing here? 

Do I have some purpose?

Am I on some kind of mission?

Am I a mistake?

Are you a mistake?

How is there even a me and you that can know and talk to one another? 

Its all fucking madness.

Am I just a random happening because of some germs or cells accidentally landed on a planet that happened to have sunshine and water? 

Excuse my language, but seriously. wtf?

Wtf is going on here? 

I have this annoying desire to know every fucking thing.

Maybe everybody is like that but I tirelessly search, study, learn consume, question and oy', it makes me very very tired. 

Really, its a very frustrating personality trait. I think there is a name for it, oh yeah, a know it all.

Ha! 

No one likes a know it all!

I hate the desire to know it all. But it is a painful fact of me and I annoying myself daily, like brain just please stop. I don't want to think anymore.

But think I must.

One of my favorite thinkers of all time is C.S. Lewis.

Mr. Lewis said this:

“The Christian says, 'Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists. A baby feels hunger: well, there is such a thing as food. A duckling wants to swim: well, there is such a thing as water. Men feel sexual desire: well, there is such a thing as sex. If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing. If that is so, I must take care, on the one hand, never to despise, or to be unthankful for, these earthly blessings, and on the other, never to mistake them for the something else of which they are only a kind of copy, or echo, or mirage. I must keep alive in myself the desire for my true country, which I shall not find till after death; I must never let it get snowed under or turned aside; I must make it the main object of life to press on to that country and to help others to do the same.”

― C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Ugh... C.S. you just get me. I feel you.

That thought. That, what even is this life? 

That alone is our proof of something more. It gives me peace. I have this desire for this life not to be a waste of time, meaningless, an accident, so it is so. I believe it to be more than an accident, and so it is.

What an amazing, agonizing, beautiful, super annoying thought.

There is peace and there is question.

The peace is that the mere desire to question means that there is an answer. That's kind of scientific you know.

I have had such an interest in religion over the past several years.

I went to a private Catholic School and was often the proud receiver of the most Christian behavior award.

I'm not sure if they gave that award to me because I was especially kind or because I was for the most part a horrible student and they felt bad for me because I was never gonna make that A grade, but I know that I have spent most of my life trying to be nice to people. I try to be a good human.  I've failed at that a good bit too but at least I can admit to it and I think that gives me a few more good human points. 

Is the point of this life to be a "good human"?

Is there really a God who set up this little game called life that you don't actually get to know all the rules. You just take your best guess and if you guess wrong, SORRY eternal flames for your bbq'ed butt! Shoulda' guessed right!

Meh'

I don't think so. 

I'm a parent and I would never put my children in a situation with unclear expectations and then punish them for not correctly guessing exactly what I want from them.

Some Christians would say well that's why we have the Bible. 

From my personal study there is grey area in the Bible as well. Lots of it really. It is one of the most beautiful books I have ever read with so much wisdom and so much truth but it still has debatable information and the Church has agreed with me on that several times. Its why we quit burning and stoning people. Its why we quit selling our daughters or forcing them to marry their rapist. Its why I can eat pig when I feel like it. 

You see the word has evolved. Our understanding and interpretation has evolved many times over the years. Why would we quit evolving now? 

I think that when we cling so tightly to a certain set of beliefs it becomes more of a pursuit of our egos to be correct rather than a honest pursuit of truth. We have to stay humble and always ready to be told "hey stupid, you're doing it wrong!" The Bible warns us about staying on our toes, staying critical of ourselves. The Bible does not approve of self righteousness. So don't be an ass. Its pretty simple, the Bible doesn't like people who act like asses. 

C.S. Lewis became a believer in his pursuit to disprove that there was a God.

My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. Just how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust? … Thus in the very act of trying to prove that God did not exist—in other words, that the whole of reality was senseless—I found I was forced to assume that one part of reality—namely my idea of justice—was full of sense. Consequently atheism turns out to be too simple.  If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning. (Mere Christianity, 45-46)

When I had my first child 7+ years I wanted desperately to raise him perfectly.

I cant tell you what a gift he was to me but I will try.

I had 7 miscarriages before him. 

I found out that I had this chromosome disorder that caused miscarriage.

How can we be some divine creation that has these flaws?

My DNA is literally flawed. 

In my mothers womb I didn't receive the correct  genetic information some was missing on Chromosome 2 so chromosome 4 broke itself and attached to Chromosome 2.

My living blood saw my flaw that would have caused my mother to miscarry me left unchecked and it fixed itself.

Is that some bad ass science or what? 

Genetics fascinate me! 

However the flaw still lives in me and that is why I had so many losses. Why didn't my body fix itself again? 

How could it know, fix itself once and then not know again?

I guess the answer is that my blood isn't that smart rather its an organism that naturally heals itself when possible. If I get a cut I grow a scab but I don't think of the process. it just happens on its own.

But OMGOSHHHH how does it do that on its own? 

I'm experiencing more wtfs. 

The point I'm getting at is this baby that finally came to me he was just everything. And I wanted to provide a perfect life for him.

So that meant Church, right?

Well for a few years we attended a local Catholic Church  that my husband was raised in but I looked at my babies (yes I had another, both were baptized Catholic) So we go to this Church but I looked at my children and they were absorbing nothing and quite frankly neither was I! 

So we switched Churches to a non denominational Christian Evangelical Church. It was a lovely Church with lovely people that I still love dearly, still love all those darned Catholics too so if I step on anyone's toes I will kiss them, I mean no offense. I'm just being real. "be either hot or cold" right?

We ended up leaving the evangelical Church as well because to be perfectly transparent it didn't feel right either. It felt like too much, too all consuming. It left me feeling guilty all the time at a point in my life where I was trying to live as purely as humanly possible. I felt constant shame and guilt. I had given up all alcohol, I had become completely submissive to my husband, I had my kids in religion programs and I sang in the Choir and all of that has lovely memories attached to it but still something did not feel right about it to me, for me and my children and continuing to pursue something I didn't fully believe in made me feel false and I just cant live untrue to myself or to my children.  If there is an all-knowing God that hears all that I think then I couldn't fool him/her anyway, so why try? 

So we quit going to Church but that didn't stop me from studying my Bibles, yes Bibles that's plural.

I have a King James, a Catholic addition, a new living addition, a chronological addition, a Jehovahs witness addition, and I even have the book of Mormon that I have read large parts of. 

I have had the sweetest of sweet lady come to visit me weekly for almost 3 years now. She is a dedicated Jehovah's Witness and I admire her and her personal conviction even if it is not my own. I sit with her 1 hour per week and I listen to her lessons and they are beautiful and she is just wonderful. Jehovah's witness don't believe in Hell. They believe that the earth will be healed and renewed and the people that God chooses to "remember" will come back and the "bad humans" will simply be forgotten. 

For a couple of years I regularly hung out with and studied with Mormon missionaries. The Mormon missionaries are literally the best people ever and if you have never chatted with them then you should! They are just the most open minded, loving, giving people that might ever cross your path! The Mormons or the Church of Latter Day Saints don't really believe in Hell either they believe in different levels of spirituality in the after life so the better we are now the higher level we will attain in the after life. 

My issue with religion is the ego and authority in it. Somebody always wants to be the boss. Someone wants to be right and wants someone else to be wrong. In my heart its to convicting of everyone but its self. Us humans we do that we like to point the finger more than we like to look in the mirror. 

I love Theology. Its one of my favorite things. I have no doubt there are bigger workings than what we see on the surface. I also have no doubt that we are currently in a state of consciousness that we are for whatever reason unable to fully understand. Maybe its that were not ready. 

As a parent there are certain theories, ideas, movies, thoughts that I don't yet share with my children (not many, I'm a pretty open book with my kids) but for the sake of their inborn innocence and their right to figure things out on their own there are talks we don't have yet.

Maybe that is what it is like in the Universe for humans. There is simply information out there that we are not mature enough to digest. Never fear though, we are growing and learning and when the time is right I think we will be filled in. So why then waste our time,  during this precious life experience trying to figure it all out? 

It is so peaceful to give that up. Its not that I don't care anymore, its that I have complete faith that the answers will come when its time for them to come and that I cannot and do not have to try to control things that are so much bigger than me. I can let that go. Its a freeing  feeling and full of trust and love.

I still teach my kids about Jesus. I believe the things he said. I believe he said that he was the divine son of God and that we were all his brothers and sisters and he wanted us to know how much we were loved and that like the saying "namaste" he saw the divine in us and invited all of us even murders to join him. I love Jesus! 

SO my reason for yoga?

I have looked into the religious associations with yoga Buddhism and Hinduism and they are neat religions but just like western religions they largely oppress women and minorities and I'm not down with that.  

So my yoga is not associated with any religion.

It is associated with deep love for myself and others.

I do find it to be extremely spiritual.

Yoga is all about accepting the way things are and controlling our reactions. Finding the power or source within ourselves to feel whole in a world that sometimes tears us apart.  There is a world happening around us all day everyday and often we all feel like we are spinning out of control.

Jobs, kids, relationships, bills all need, need, need all day. All the noise of everyday life constantly pulling at us. Its stressful. 

Yoga teaches us to go within find our sanity and rest in the quiet. 

We let go of trying to control anything. 

We notice how we feel, if its good or if its bad, we respect our feelings but we do not let them own or control us. Our feelings are simply feelings they are not us. They come and they go these feelings, but who we are stays and we have no reason to panic. 

It is a place where I can go within myself to find the love and acceptance that I need without putting that responsibility on any other human. It is an exercise but more a state of consciousness or being. I find myself "returning to breath" every time I find myself stressed or frustrated, The exercise helps and is critical but you can do yoga in a way without the movement. Some people say yoga is meditation in motion and meditation to me is just like a prayer.

In a week I start a yoga teacher training. I'm pretty nervous that Ill be the only old Momma in the room, I also kind of don't care! 

I'm doing it for my own self confidence. I'm doing it so my kids see me as more than just their care taker but as a individual with personal desires and drive. I have three sons and I want them to see women as individuals worthy of respect and love and capable of anything that a man is. I'm doing it because I love it and its something new to learn and I love to learn!

Another BIG reason for learning more about yoga for me is that it is a useful tool. Not only for myself but a tool that I can give or teach to others.

My entire life I have been a peacemaker a fixer. I have a very hard time saying no to anyone and I notoriously bite off more than I can chew. I am extremely codependent. 

Yoga has taught me that when I take on other peoples stuff I actually rob them of their own experience. I can say no and I can do so because I love people.  I deserve space. I deserve the room to figure my own crap out and so does everyone else. When I take on other peoples stuff I am trying to control their experience and no matter how much I feel like I am doing that because I love others, its the wrong thing to do. I am saying to the Universe that I don't believe others can do things for themselves, I am the one that has to do them and that is wrong. 

This doesn't mean don't do anything for anyone. It means use your head. If someone is unloading on you rather than trying to solve their problems themselves you can suggest ways that they can solve their own problems. You can give them tools. 

Yoga is a tool that we can use this way. To go within ourselves and perhaps to teach others how to do the same for themselves. 

Lastly I am doing this yoga thing to continue to get to know myself and to like myself more.

Yup I'm 32 and a mother to three and I am still very much trying to figure out what life is about.

I don't think I'm alone in my pursuit.  

I hold onto a lot of crap. I am still learning to let things go. I want to do that. I don't want to carry my emotional baggage around everyday or physical baggage for that matter.  I want to learn to let it all go. To see it all, to feel it all but not to let any of the negativity that this life shows me own me. I think yoga teaches us how to live a bit lighter and that sounds pretty good to me. 

Things I've learned (and continue to learn) throughout 10 (long) years of marital bliss.

I like to think that my husband and I have a cute little love story. I think all love stories are cute. Love is just so darn cute!

We went to different schools but both to Catholic private schools within a few blocks of each other in a small town, that shared the same high school. We often had school programs that we attended together. Then we both transferred to the same public school in high school. It was nice to have a familiar face in a sea of new faces. Scott (my husband) was immediately my buddy but never more than that until about 7 more years down the road. 

We ran into each other when we were both 20 at a party and it was kinda like, "hey man we keep running into each lets just keep doing this forever.".

Honestly, I think the third week that we were dating we talked about marriage because it  just made sense. We were so relaxed in each others company. We both had "real" jobs. When I say "real" I mean like, full time and side jobs. We were both hard workers. We were tired of partying  24/7 because we had to get up early. It was nice to have a friend that needed to go to bed too! Plus we both grew up seriously Catholic and Catholics, I don't know, they belong with other Catholics (even though we are non-practicing at this point, that's a story for another day).

My husband and I were married when we were just 22 years young. People would tell us that we were much too young to get married but both of our parents were married when they were teenagers so, didn't seem too young to us! However, we were young enough and inexperienced enough that man, we have had A LOT to learn and were still learning daily. 

We have been through and continue to go through a lot, just like the rest of the living world. We spent the first 3 years of our marriage having miscarriage after miscarriage. I was pretty distraught over those years. Suffering depression and panic attacks while my husband didn't really know what to say or do so he immersed himself in work. Some difficulties in marriage no matter how entwined they seem to your spouse are things that you handle alone and in much different ways.  We had seen infertility specialist, and were even in the midst of adoption when I became pregnant with our first (of three!) healthy sons! 

We have struggled with jobs, finances, infidelity, mental illness, ocd, depression, anxiety (yeah were both nuts, we own it), lies, anger, and issues with our extended families (they're all nuts too!) . We are terribly human everyday. Its awful that we have to live with us this way, but we do.

So, over the past few weeks I have been trying to compile a list of things that come to mind that we have had learn and or to deal with over the first 10 years of matrimony. Some of the ways in which we have both been very wrong, the things that pop up that you are not prepared for, and universal truths of monogamy that have been told again and again and everyone gets sick of hearing but they are in fact true.   I could really go on for days but Ill try not to do that.

I have also included both of our thoughts and or banter to this list. His responses in blue mine in pink even though we don't believe in gender color coding, or I don't hes probably never thought about that!

1. you think you know what you're doing

but you don't

I never thought I knew what I was doing

2. you think you know yourself 

but you don't

I knew myself when we got married

3. you think, you think differently than other people think and that you know more than others

but you don't

I never think I know more than other people

4. you will buy so many socks, so many.

and if you have kids will buy even more

I'm due for new socks right now, I buy them for myself a couple sets at least every six months, or more.

Hes real weird about socks, like really weird. 

5. you will fail each other in small ways daily

like leaving your crap everywhere, every day

yeah like if I don't do exactly what she thinks I should be doing daily

whatever

6. you will fail each other in big big ways more often than you like to admit

like sorry I spent $200.00 on prime, I don't know what happened?!

I fail at communication with her, I don't ask permission long enough ahead of time for the things I want or need to do 

You don't have to ask me "permission" more like give notice, like I do!

7. you will find rest in each other, familiarity, and comfort from the unknown.

don't stop cuddling, people need cuddles, you're never too old, snuggle up lots

I agree, cuddle

8. you will fight over the same things over and over and over again. And then again.

It takes him way longer than it should to mow the yard, it takes me way longer than it should to take a bath.

I don't take too long to mow the yard, she does take too long to take a bath

see what I live with?!  At least I admit it. 

9. you will get bitter about some shit

like how long it takes him to mow the lawn. Three hours? Really? Don't rush yourself! Ill be in here with the kids for the next 15 years!

Her clothes, I always put them away for her and she complains when I leave my stuff on the table.

10. you will sometimes forget  what makes them wonderful

our lawn has diagonal lines that all home owners dream about 

She has a wonderful heart she is very caring

11. you will sometimes forget what makes you wonderful

I'm smooth and smell amazing after a two hour bath 

I'm okay at a lot of stuff I'm not good at it

You're good at everything husband, you do everything right. I wish I was as planie and precise as you. Its a gift don't deny that about yourself! 

12. you will take them for granted, you will be taken for granted 

In a million different ways on a million different days

This is true

13. sex is important, have it, unless you really, really, really don't want to 

I hear women complain about dutiful sex all the time and I'm like, hold the phone girl! Have sex for yourself not for him! lol I mean really it should be a gift for everyone involved not just him!? Figure out what you like and ya know, use him. He wont mind! lol

Its healthy you should have sex at least every other day

14. you will not recognize  all that you have

truth part of the human condition 

true

15. sometimes  the grass looks greener

mmhmm

yeah

16. sometimes the grass is greener so take better care of your lawn

We should

yeah

17. sometimes the grass is so scorched by the heat of the sun that you need to turn the dirt, lay new seed, apply straw, water it and water  it, and water it. 

yeah

yeah

18. sometimes the grass wont grow and you have to decide to put down some tarp to control the weeds and cover it with gravel and a lawn gnome, there is not always resolve.

yeah

yeah

19. sometimes you give up on that spot of ground and you must decide if its worth the struggle and if there is enough fertile earth around you  that the piece of land is still valuable  enough that you will stay, or you could decide to move. 

Did I mention marriage is really really really hard work.

Its really hard

20. life will be hard

It sure will hopefully at least some of the time you can help one another.

Getting along is the hard part

21. it will all be worth it. No matter what the outcome  of your marriage  is. It will all be worth it. It is all growing you, and growing your spouse.

I believe this wholeheartedly. We have watched friends and family come together and fall apart. The real tragedy is when people go on to hate each other. That's stupid. You should never hate anyone especially someone you once loved so much. I think we can never truly unlove the people that we have love. The love can change but you dont just stop loving.

yeah

22. you will grow apart

yeah, I don't know, what do you think?

yeah, we go through phases some of the things that brought us together originally have changed after having kids because we don't have as much time to spend together.

23. you will grow together 

I don't know

I think that our children make us closer. We love them so much. When you love the same people it deepens your bond.

24. repeat steps 22 and 23 indefinitely 

25. you will love so much of the same things in life

We enjoy movies and sex

I guess hes right lol but I think we also enjoy other things like. The kids and we like to hunt together. I like him to take walks with me and such he doesn't really like that but he does it and I appreciate it when he does. 

26. you will sometimes detest the things they love and you don't

I detest nothing she likes. I like doing everything with her.

That is a blatant lie.

27. you will forget how much you love your spouse 

true, I forget it when shes not with me

I forget it when he ticks me off.

28. you will learn that love doesn't always mean being together and that love is possible in so many ways

We poop separate and we still love each other 

Another lie you poop in front of me all the time lol

29. if you have babies you will wonder what life might have been like if you didn't

I have never wondered that

Really? I have and I much prefer the baby life.

30. if you don't have babies you will wonder what life might have been like if you did

I would assume this is true for some people

31. you will fight about the animals 

I don't want the animals

A farm boy who doesn't like animals, I don't know how we ever got married?! I will always have animals, sorry not sorry babe. 

32. you will see and be seen in life at its most vulnerable moments, like the moments during birth where your lady bits just ripped apart, or the smoke singed ball sack that has acquired a seeping staph infection

I don't know what you're saying 

??? How do you not???

33. you will be grossed out by how often they fart, eww.

She doesn't fart a lot right now. It goes in spells.

I never fart a lot. Never in comparison to you!  Stinky

34. you will care about different elements of cleanliness in the home (or not care at alllll) and this will at times turn into such a battle of wills.

I agree

Mmmhmm, he wants the laundry and dishes done. I want the house picked up, swept  looking clean. The house can be trashed and if the laundry and sink are clean he is satisfied. Not me. I cant stand clutter mess everywhere. 

35. you will put up with so much bullshit, so much

Scott is a perfectionist and so am I but we care about different things being perfect and our minds work much differently. So whats important to him is not always whats important to me and then we want to kill each other. 

Yes

36. your spouse will have to put up with all your  bullshit, and there is so much of it, so much. 

We are both major pains this is all true

37. you will have so many great memories 

Yes having the babies are good memories 

My best memories are finding out when finally carried a healthy baby hearing a heartbeat for the first time also our fights I know we have too many of them I hate the real fights but I love the bickering and taunting. Its basically how we play, living to annoy one another... or is that just me lol?

38. you will have some horrific memories 

Yes you will

For sure and no one wants to discuss those

39. you will hurt each other and leave deep painful  scars on each others hearts

Makes you stronger

I hate that Ive hurt him and I hate the ways in which he has hurt me but I know that we are both humans, trying and i cannot give or expect perfection.

40. you will be humans

Everyday

For reals

41. you will be you, and they will be them, and as together  as you are, you will always be your own before you are anyone else's

and they wont like you for who you are

I love you for who you are, I just don't like it all the time and the same is true for you about me!

42. you will learn that it is your job to care for yourself 

yes

cant serve from an empty cup

43. when you learn that, and learn how hard it is at times to love and care for yourself, you learn to love and care for others even more so, this life is hard for all of us

I don't know what you're saying

guhhh I'm saying when we see weakness in ourselves and needs in ourselves it makes us recognize and see that in our partner. I care for you because I also need you to care for me.

44. you will be ridiculous together, maybe you dance naked in very un-sexy ways, maybe you sing ridiculous songs at the top of your lungs, maybe you laugh together  when you both realize  your kids are kinda weird.

yeah we like to strip for each other

he is such a sexy stripper dancer lol (it gets weird) 

45. you will warm each others cold feet and butts... its a critical requirement of marriage.

I warm hers

Why does my butt get so cold? Do other butts do that? Thanks babe 

46. you will fight about money, things, buying, spending, eating out, clothes, toys, trips, food.

yes you will fight about everything

Have we mentioned how much we fight?

47. you will I beg beg beg, realize material things are not what this life is about

yeah

This is really important. Things are not bad in and of themselves but when you start caring more about what you want than what you have its an issue.

48. you will forgive them for their faults, and be forgiven for your many faults

mmmmhmm you will forgive them but you will still be mad about it

why are you making me sound mean? I forgive you like all the time!? Grrrr

49. the answers to most of the above issues are as follows :

-Sex

-Food

-Back rubs

You give each other good any of these three things and no one stays angry.

She thinks that she gives awesome back rubs but they suck my back rubs are f-ing awesome.

I do give really awesome back rubs in fact you said before that was one reason you married me but I hate to give them after receiving one I mean I want to go to sleep after a rub down not work again. We need to alternate back rub nights, makes more sense.

50. you will grow. You will fail. You will succeed. You will learn about life and love it will be a crazy ride with so many ups and downs. I don't care if you stay married or not its well worth the ride. Its not a game. No one is winning or losing. We are only living and learning and hopefully, we are growing.

I choose to forever hold my peace.

I don't know why he wont give a closing statement. Probably because he hated this entire exercise but he did it for me so thank you! 

I'm glad we are married we have so much to be happy and thankful for. He does so much for me and his children and I don't thank him or remember that often enough. Its testing at times but I know we have gained so much from the last ten years.